Back to The Floor

Christmas is bad enough. Bad backs are bad enough. The combination of both is enough to tip me hurtling towards the edge. Luckily I don't have a stack of pressies to move around, nor am I expecting any heavyweight gifts to be bestowed upon me at Christmas Mk2, otherwise known as Boxing Day with My Parents and therefore I may well be able to festively hobble around wincing appealingly every five minutes at the pain. It still won't be enough of an acceptable excuse not to go over.

OK, it's not that bad but I have been a devotee of the hot water bottle/heat pads/deep heat all day and it is lucky that there isn't any entertaining or requirement to actually be sociable since the combination of stench of liniments and the general grumpiness caused by the embargo on no sudden movements (or actually, any movement) means that the only people likely to visit me would have been The Samaritans. I am pathetic with pain and pretty intolerant of being relatively immobile.

Lucky for me that that most of Christmas Day has been spent sat bolt upright at the pc idly browsing the web for excitement, sending emails to people I only email at Christmas and listening to the entire Festive Top 50 in one sitting (no pun intended). I even managed to photo a present and sling it on flickr - since the present is on the wall by my pc desk and the camera is within arms reach, this was less of an achievement than it sounds.

I never actually remember putting "Sciatica" on my Christmas wish-list and for those about to suggest that lying on a board would be a good idea, don't bother. The sheer slow-motion nature of the effort to took to get up from the futon this morning is enough to convince me that I should perhaps consider sleeping hanging upside down like a bat.

And the cause of this trauma - leaping around like an acid-enhanced kangaroo at the Misty's Gig up at Jug of Ale on Friday night probably had something to do with it. But all things considered, I'd have settled for a severely displaced disc if it meant having enjoyed myself as much as I did - apologies to anyone who's foot I landed on whilst bouncing around. They, and the supporting acts with a particular nod to Dog Food, were awesome and who needs mobility on Christmas Day anyway.

Pass the Ralgex please.....

Christmas is Cancelled....

and other brilliant alt-festive tunes kindly made avaiable for free via Thee Sheffield Phonographic Corporation Christmas Download Extravaganza.............

Seeing as "Stop the Cavalary" is universally slated as a dire Christmas dirge (although happens to be my favourite!), the cover available by Ormondroyd is a good update and doesn't sound naff at all and isn't kazoo-like bouncy.

And of course Long Blondes "Christmas is Cancelled" is just the kiss-off track you want handy at this time of year when it is meant to be goodwill to all men...best line is:

"No Mum, don't worry about me, I'll just have fish & chips for tea, watch the queen and go to sleep" Brilliant.

Pete Green and "Everything's Dead Pretty When It Snows" is for all those of us who have the short straw of working when everyone else buggered off and wonder why the casual question of "so, when do you knock off then" starts a fit of twitching. If you work in insurance - this is your Christmas song. It does have bells though.

Velodrome 2000 "Christmas Sucks" this is for you jingle-bell fiends and a bit of thrash-santa chucked in. It's all about what you don't want to hear about and possibly covers every single "name an item associated with Christmas" entry you could think about.

Gyppos "Merry Christmas" is my favourite - gloomy, maudlin and depressing and sounds like a song from an updated version of Oliver Twist meets A Christmas Carol - yay have this one on and the reindeer will be presenting themselves at the slice 'n' dice venison shop. "The reaper is knocking at the front door" is a nice twist from Santa down the chimney - excellent!

They are all tuneful enough that they should be on mainplay - but I'm glad they're not - I'll be compiling my own Christmas playlist any day now to counteract Frosty the Fucking Snowman (although I'm sure that version is out there.....)

Thanks to HeyChuck for this.

Mission Completed

Yee-bloody-hay, Christmas purchasing is almost complete bar the requirement to buy *something* for a ten & half year old that will either a) actually be appreciated or b) doesn't take loads of wrapping/thought/dosh in the event that a) isn't achieved.

I adopted the two day approach, on the assumption that I would be likely to be reduced to a sobbing heap if I had to get all this completed in one day in the local shopping pit - plus there is only so much Christmas musak I can take although I also had a strategy for that - which came slightly unstuck....

Note to readers Do Not be listening to Diggnation podcast featuring the article about the octopus and the shark (the winner wasn't the usual suspect) whilst meandering through Red Herring in Debenhams if you are prone to muttering things such as "yah go Octopus" and grinning like a nutter - not if you want serving this side of the dawning of the next millennium.

With playlist locked on to "anything not christmassy but loud" variety, I was able to ignore the "Last Christmas", "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" "Santa Baby" et al and felt suitably chilled. Chilled enough to get the ideal book for my brother "Aimed at pedants to know-it-alls, as well as those simply wishing to 'get it right', this book will appeal to the modern passion for factual accuracy" ie ideal in the sense that it made me laugh at him whilst choosing it.

Then onwards to blitz part of the list designated as "easy" ie for the ladies in my life. Lucky there is a Lush - shame I didn't realise that one of the items in a pack is "Two-Timing Tart", not sure who I can give that to without causing uproar.....it is bringing back memories of the "novelty" pasta shapes that I didn't realise were included in a mixed variety pack I bought back from Italy last year and gave to my Mum, oh god the horror of having to confess a) what "they" were and b) that I hadn't recognised them.....

That left Sunday's more daring trip to Town, combining it with a meet up with a friend, meaning that serious shopping would have to be fitted around serious binting and possibly serious coffee consumption. Tough call.

David & Goliath at Covent Garden - you are my saviours! Working on the principle that if I like stuff naturally everyone else will (flawed logic my speciality) I was blissfully completing the rest of the list and regretting that there wasn't any male relatives for whom I could get something trendy for - I have male relatives, they just don't have the perequisite sense of humour. I even managed to blag a free badge (wow a whole £1 worth of badge!!) by asking politely if I could have one (on account of buying loads of stuff) - so I am officially "Princess of Darkness".

Stanfords the map gods completed the rest of the list, again there are presents that are going to have to be wrested away from me with a crowbar to end up with the recipients.

Find of the day however wasn't a present for the awkwardest person in the world but rather the discovery that the cafe in Foyles is a real tranquil bolthole. It's right in the middle of the Ray's Jazz and has vegan specialities and vegan cakes as standard. Well worth knowing and I look forward to a visit in the near future as the idea of eating real food, surrounded by books and listening to jazz, well that would be a present you couldn't wrap!

and speaking of wrapping, I can't wrap stuff so it looks neat, or even completely covered. I am reknowned for use of masking type, superglue, gluegun, gaffer tape and most recently electrical tape as the adhesive medium of choice. I think it's something to do with not being able to draw - I also can't cut straight, tear straight, fold straight or even estimate the correct amount of paper needed to complete the task.

Shopping sorted meant that coffee, binting on, alcohol and catching up could all be leisurely completed and I emerged stress free and cheerful. Maybe I have stumbled upon the ultimate Christmas shopping strategy:

• Listen to a weird fish-killer podcast and mutter - gives you loads of space in shops
• Buy what you like for everyone else - safe in the knowledge that you can have it if they don't like it.
• Ensure you buy only from shops you like - therefore you don't mind spending hours looking at um err well things you want really
• Discover somewhere neat to come back to - if it includes music and food fantastic
• Ensure you buy yourself something - or better still, get given it for free!
• Drink

Now, what can I get that 10 year old....

Why Can't They Play This In Woolies..

I realise that by blogging this I am truly confirming my status as festive nay-sayer but with the exception of "Stop The Calvary" I'm not that thrilled with Christmas music and it truly is the time of pity for those poor till-slaves who are forced to listen to hours of the damned stuff AND be nice to the great unwashed. Blimey, I hope you get the prozac you've been wishing for from Santa.

But there is hope - in the shape of Cherryade Records who have their very own Christmas cd available with tracks including "Have Yourself a Psychedelic Christmas" from the awesomeness that is Misty's and my personal favourite "So this is what dying is like (Christmas in Swansea) by Steveless & Syd Howells - favourite for a weird name that is. Steveless' "Seasonal Schizophrenia" could be a Mark E Smith tribute in sound and lyrics. Very warming.

The album is getting a fair bit of coverage (well the odd track played) via Sixmusic and xfm and there is some very stuff on it. In fact it will be ripped under "Shopping Playlist" on gadget as some sort of antidote to Wizzard, Slade and Cliff Richard for when I'm forced to venture away from the nice safe and sanitised world that exists via my pc and into the vile, warped and dangerous world of well, the real world. Send out back-up shoud I not return.

So altogether then "Alice The Christmas Pie....."

And just to show that I'm not a saddo who thinks that Christmas tends to bring out the worst in the credit card companies, two excellent links to bring ironic and sardonic cheer to you. First up, a cartoon advent calendar courtesy of Dave Walker , one of Jonny B's cohorts and then something that made me screech like an owl on acid is the 'tis The Season blog (also recommended by Jonny B) and if someone had taped the conversations I'd had over the years re a) Secret Santa, b) bloody naff relatives presents and c) Designated Christmas Cards - to the dog and the pups type of thing or as it's put on the site "For a fabulous aunt and her on-again off-again pity fuck" then this would be the result. 21 December 2004 is a fine vintage article.

Thank you people with a sense of humour for keeping me away from the cooking sherry!

Gig Etiquette & Spots Before My Eyes

This could probably be an addendum to my "Gig Heaven" post but I think it is deserving of a standalone vent.

I went along to the Stylish Riots gig at The Scala, Kings Cross - primarily to see Misty's Big Adventure (of course) but was also quite interested in The Pipettes seeing as they'd got a fair bit of coverage in music blog world recently and a bit of retro 50s is fine in my book.

Firstly a minor grip - bloody hell I didn't realise that when I traded in the Football Jonah card I'd be dealt out the Travel Jonah one in return. What is it with the Circle Line - does it hate gigs, does it resent all those thousands of ipods that are aimlessly churning out mindless pop in its intestines each hour and it gets its own back with delays?

Moving into the tranquil zone that is the Scala - for those aren't familiar with it, it's a converted cinema and is an independent venue and is very art deco with some fantastic tile work, there are even the remnants of the cinema aisle seats downstairs - it is a very impressive venue and very atmospheric - but cold, damn being so organised as thinking that checking jackets would be a good thing.

First up was Absent Kid - didn't really pay an exceptional amount of notice to them as I was enjoying the beer,but they had a good light show, good contrast on vocals and enthusiasm. Now I know they are an Essex band I'll pay more attention to them next time. The audience wasn't that much fussed by them - I wonder if they go back to their mums and say "yeah, you should have seen the crowd, they were heaving, jammed in". Next up was Misty's. Yay, much jigging around was anticipated.

No signature tune performed which was odd but then the standards were run out and there were some others besides the regulars who were bopping away. But not the three "we're here for the Pipettes" polka dotted & striped clad biffas who were right in front of me, right at the front to the band and were standing there like bloody Easter Island Statues. How off putting that must be to the band, particularly one that draws on emotion like a musical vampire such as Misty's. The Biffas remained stock still and I wished I had been sufficiently bevved up just to have barged them out the way. You don't just stand there if you are at the front, for god sakes you are meant to be having fun you morons.

But all was well, EroticVolvo did his stuff, the set was accomplished but there was a bit of a weird atmosphere from the crowd, although there was the usual warming to the band that always happens.

Interestingly this feeling was picked up on the forum for the Pipettes - where Misty's were being discussed in more depth than the Pipettes. It was appropriate summed up as "less riotous, more stylish" Maybe The Wising Up Song hit home a bit too hard.

The Pipettes deserve all the plaudits they get, they are fun, talented, skinny (grrr) and have an excellent rapport with the audience, hitting it off with both the lads and the ladies. Slick lyrics and performance with a rancid underbelly to the songs that initially seem saccharine. One Night Stand in particular stood out and the current single Dirty Mind was executed perfectly. I believe the Biffas may have cracked a smile during the set. And yes, polka dots can look good on people. One of the singers was a spit for my niece in terms of gestures (eye rolling, pouting and raised eyebrows) which was a tadge disconcerting. Good performance, look forward to seeing them again if possible.

Next up was Twisted Charm, who are very much in the Sex Pistols/Buzzcocks mould but were still excellent. London Scene was excellent, another good bit of contemporary songwriting that provides a point of reference and Phoney People deserves to be a corporate anthem. It's also worth checking the video for London Scene via the website - it's very clever. They got the biggest crowd and were also doing a further set upstairs - but this being a "school night" I didn't take advantage of this. This was the first example of "thrash sax" I've experienced and as Drowned In Sound sum it up "they have a saxophonist and they're still not shit!". Indeed, Mr Georgiou, the aforementioned sax player is excellent and must have the lungs of an elephant to cope with the demands.

Afterall anyone who includes Blue Jam as part of their key influences has got to be all right.

So yet again for less than a £10, I had a fantastic gig experience and am even more empassioned about live music than before. Stick the big gigs - at this rate, my solo Depeche Mode ticket for next year will be winging it's way to ebay in favour of being about to spend the night in the Slaughtered Lamb for Acoustic Open Mic Night.

And remember the rules - if you are at the front - move around!