Just Reflecting on It All

Sometimes all the things that I work hard on ignoring force themselves to the front of my mind and demand attention like a deranged fledging in the nest. Weird thoughts open their poisonous throats and spew forth some sort of nonsense that then lodges in my brain.

My niece's new baby for example. Thrilled that she's had it, somewhat guilty as I initially felt that she would be making a mistake having a baby at 19 and then hearing the trauma she went through in delivery (blood transfusions, plummenting blood pressure, emergency action to save her life, a chance the baby would also die) and I can't help thinking I came close to losing someone I love. My sister admits she thought she was going to see her daughter die in front of her - how the hell can that feel? Admittedly my niece is fine as is her son and hopefully they should be going home soon and will be able to settle down to life as a new family but my sister is still in shock about how close she came to losing her own child. All of this doesn't make me want to be a parent - I'll continue to fulfill the selfish career woman fantasy for people.

And then there's the parents. I've spending more time with my parents recently (thanks to prolonged dental work, who says that there isn't a silver lining to everything, shame it was the glint of a filling in this case) and each time I'm back at home, I feel more and more close to them, but this is underpinned with a horrible feeling that I'm going to lose them soon, just when I'm getting back in touch with them.

The mere act of being told to have a lie down on a bed for an hour because I felt weary from the week was immensely powerful. I don't often have the chance to feel totally relaxed, safe and unstressed at the moment so knowing that Mum & Dad were downstairs and wouldn't let me nod off for too long (or in otherwords oversleep and be late for football) was so reassuring. It's a long time since I let anyone have the opportunity to "take care of me" and it's a weird feeling as I would usually have felt out of control, weak and useless with someone else looking after me but I didn't. I just felt loved.

Fairly soon I'm going to really need their support and the manic fledging in my brain is cheeping that they won't give it, that I'm going to hurt them by what's going to happen and worse of all, that they will think badly of me. Can I request an emotional cuckoo to kick these monsters out of my mind.

Homelife is of course at the root of all of this. Due to how things have got at home, I'm in effect living downstairs, with my clothes in boxes, sleeping on a futon and being careful not to be in the same room as the other one if at all possible. The times when we are in each others space are painful to put up with and I can't stand knowing that I haven't got my freedom by the mere fact that I know someone is upstairs.

Communication is limited to usually asking about who wants the internet cable (we may have separately irons & ironing boards now but there is still only my broadband to share) and we are now at the very grown up stage of just about managing to share washing powder but nothing else. All those things that were awkward culinary differences between us (skimmed milk v full fat, own label v premium brand anything, white bread v granary etc) now are no longer problems seeing as we do our own shopping and if there is no milk for tea then it's tough. No sharing, no borrowing, no contact.

The freezer is sad study in different outlooks. There are mysterious frozen tupperware boxes of homemade veggie somethings in one shelf and then there are the "sad bastard meals-for-one" lower down. Liver and Bacon for One, Chicken & Chips, Ready Made Gravy cubes (!!!), Mini Roasts etc. I didn't realise that viewing a stash of ready meals would actually upset me but it does. What have I done to this person's life - and what am I going to continue to do. It doesn't make me feel good on one level knowing that I'm about to kick another level of support away but then that degree of support should never have been needed and had a cost to me. But the mad fledging pecks away at the strong side of me, determined to unearth the pathetic bit of me that used to be all anyone could see.

All this just swirls around my head, diluting the good things that also happened: My niece is well(ish) and has a stable relationship into which her baby is born and her mum absolutely loves her and is close to her. When I was helping Dad email me the photos of the baby to me, I showed him the photos on Flickr which he loved, even summonsing Mum to view the other bits and pieces (this is an honour indeed). Home - it will have an end, and that is in my control, this is just part of the process that I'm having to go through due to being a coward for so long. And there are a myriad of other good things that I can't even start to write about.

Bad things, Good things - it's all things.