I don't rent space to anyone in my head

This one isn't going to be a bundle of laughs. I've had the odd bouts of depression most of my adult life - the longest was about three years and is what is currently troubling me. I'm starting to feel the same way now as I did then and frankly, it's making me scared. I don't want to go back onto tablets as I resent the fact that I have to be "chemically controlled". I struggle enough with the pill! I'm feeling constantly aggressive emotionally but then get hit by a really bad low. It feels like I already am chemically enhanced. How do you deal with this - I feeling as those I'm trying to hang onto my life and be in control when all I'm doing is failing to get a firm grip and fraying the line a bit more.

I feel that people must think I'm drunk as the mood swings make me dizzy, and sometimes I'm so euphoric that I scare myself - mainly because I can very clearly visualise the slump and crash that is going to follow. Not some much an eagle soaring, more the turkey falling over the edge. I just can't get my head to be still for long - it's as though I have searing flashes of total tranquility and calm when I am in control, can make rational decisions and most importantly of all, not be crying - but then these are balanced by total patheticness attacks when I feel as though I could end it right there and just walk away from my life. What is this - the start of some exciting slump into depression (hooray that will just about finish off the puzzle) or just my body trying to be contacted by my brain to say "you need a rest - do it" or am I just losing my marbles?

Answers on a fag-packet please, in fact, just sling the fags over.