Gig Heaven

Although I'm not doing the gigs in any magnitude compared to some I could think of (not so much Going Deaf for a Fortnight more Tinitus for Two or Three Days) I'm fast drawing up a wish list of things I'd rather not experience at gigs should the gods of gigging be smiling benevolently down on me.

Stupid People Blowing Bubbles into my (overpriced) Beer

Two very stupid (and short) girlies decided that what the crowd at the Kaiser Chiefs gig in Brixton really wanted was to have a stream of soapy bubbles blown around to create atmosphere during the change over between sets with the consequence that soapy bubbles were pinging against beer glasses. This is not a nursery, this is not an outdoor wide open space - this is the Brixton Academy and you soppy twats are blowing soap bombs right at me & my beer. A few grumbled "for fucks sake" and an exaggerated fending off of bubbles got the point across. The cheeky mares then decided that they'd try the "oooh I'm a short girlie, could you just let me squeeze through in front of you" to a couple of gullible looking blokes. It almost worked, Bloke One was all for it, but Bloke Two (shorter...) was having none of it and a distinct "fuck off and get here earlier next time" was uttered.

which leads to.....

Overpriced Beer

£3.15 for a can of warm Guinnesss poured badly into a warm plastic beaker doesn't represent value for money or even a remotely enjoyable experience. This was the offering recent at Carling Academy Islington for The Fall and only warm, flat Carling could have actually been worse. I know there is a mark-up needed but £3.15! For a can - taking the piss rather than getting so methinks. If someone jolts your arm, that's a good 50p a slop which neatly leads me to.....

Gig-Going Injuries

I smirked at the advice issued prior to V2005 re the dangers of going to gigs, or as the Daily Mail would probably have put it "Music: It Could Seriously Damage Your Health" which was along the lines of be aware that lots of drinking, hot sun and standing in one position for 8 hours may be a tadge edgy or that you may wish to consider doing a warm up prior to frotting about like a looney. Surely the biggest risk at a gig would be the risk of slightly bruised tootsies....Let me enlightened you and introduce the concept of "Gig Goers Groin".

The 20 minutes of bliss that was Misty's as part of the In The City Evening was almost spoilt when amidst a bit of aimless jigging around, I manage to slide in a slop of spilt beer (some buggers lost a £1 worth if the same price tariff was in place as for The Fall) and narrowly avoided doing the half splits - my apologies to the woman whose arm I grabbed to prevent myself executing a move I last managed at school gymnastics when I was 9. The burning agony was only partly abated by the fact that the set wasn't finished or else I'd have collapsed in a heap but the horrors of Gig Goers Groin needs exposure. Or maybe not.

Inaccurate Gig timings provided by Venues

If you are the host of a gig then bloody well know a) who is playing and b) what time they bloody well are due on when someone rings your information line. I went to see the truly excellent Mountain Goats at Bush Hall (fantastic venue - naff organisation skills) and had rung to check line up and rough on-stage times "well, there's someone on at 8 - but I don't know who it is, then 9 there is a girl and then the MGs are on at 10pm". Fantastic - beer time aplently. Wrong - they were due on at 9.30, I turned up just before 10 and luckily they had just gone on but I was consigned to the back of the room - but as the gig was so good it almost didn't matter - but it would have been good to get there a bit before the band. Information is meant to be helpful, not aspirational.

But at least the music has been good and I'm not really auditioning for a role in the new season of Grumpy Old Woman.